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For Orlando Notes: The telephone rang, its staccato trill jolting Sean to sudden awareness. He looked around the darkened room and shook his head wearily. He'd done it again - drifted off with his thoughts and lost time. How long? It had been daylight when he'd sat down in his favourite armchair, primed to read the small pile of scripts that his agent had sent over by courier earlier in the day. But he hadn't even made it past the first page before his mind had started to wander and he'd lost himself in memories and recriminations - and then dreams of what might have been. Bloody hell! He thought he'd got past this, accepted it and moved on. Sometimes it felt like he had and he'd go for weeks without thinking about it too much, without slipping into the comforting recesses of his imagination. But then there'd be something - some tiny, inconsequential little thing that would remind him and off he went again. Running away, always running away - even into the safety of his subconscious. Christ, he had to stop this. It wasn't right - it wasn't healthy, for fuck's sake! He just needed to give it a rest. Orlando wasn't his - he never had been and he never would be. That was all there was to it. Now just get bloody used to it, you stupid wanker. Stop fantasising and get on with your life! The phone rang again and Sean jumped, belatedly realising that he hadn't answered. He dragged a hand across his face and tried to shake off his melancholy; he didn't want to be a miserable bugger on the phone with one of his girls or whoever else it might be. He turned on the lamp by the side of his chair and picked up the phone. "Hello?" He coughed slightly, trying to clear the achy scratch from his unused voice. "Have you heard?" *Viggo*. Sean smiled to himself and let the low, rumbling rasp roll over him. It was so typical - no 'Hi, it's Viggo' or 'How are you?' Not with Vig - he launched straight into the middle of wherever his train of thought was and expected everyone else to just catch up. Which Sean usually did, having become familiar over the years with his friend's idiosyncrasies, but this time he was stumped. Maybe his mind hadn't quite clicked into gear yet after its little holiday away from reality. "Vig," Sean said, slightly embarrassed at the needy sound of his voice. "Good to hear you, mate. Now what the bloody hell are you talking about?" He added with a chuckle. God, it was good to talk to Viggo again. This is what he needed - someone who understood him and accepted him, faults and all. Viggo was a good friend, the *best*. "Orlando…have you heard?" Viggo's voice was quiet but with an edge to it - almost chiding. Fear immediately gripped Sean, a cold hollow expanding in the pit of his stomach as he heard that name. "W-what? Is he okay?" Oh god, was he hurt? Injured? Dom had told him, the last time that he'd seen him, that Orlando wasn't being as reckless as he used to be, had seemed to calm down a bit. But what about if he'd been doing more of his own stunts - he was always pushing to do more - and something had gone wrong? "Vig?" "He's okay - well, he's not hurt," Viggo answered, as if he could read Sean's panicked mind. Which he probably could - he more than anyone knew how Sean felt about Orlando. Sean sighed. "Then what is it? You know how…how I can't really talk about him, Vig." His tone was pleading and he knew he sounded pathetic. But he was also liar and Viggo would know that too - after all of those long nights he'd spent listening to Sean talking himself aimlessly in circles about something that he couldn't or shouldn't have. There was a soft sound, almost like a snort. Yeah, Viggo knew him too well. "He's broken up with Kate. It'll be all over the news soon but he called me last night and asked if he could come round. He needed to talk." Sean didn't really hear the rest of what Viggo was saying - his attention had been caught by his first statement. 'He's broken up with Kate.' He couldn't help the little flare of hope that grew inside his chest until he ruthlessly quashed it, pushing it back down like he had a thousand times before. What did it matter if Orlando was free again? He'd never be interested in Sean; Orlando would still never be his…. "Sean? Did you hear me?" Sean shook himself. "Yeah, Vig…I heard you. So he's broken up with Kate. Why are you calling me?" He knew why, of course, but he was a coward as well as a liar and hoped that Viggo would just let it drop. "Sean." Viggo sounded tired and there was something else - an undercurrent of worry. "He wasn't so good when I saw him." "What do you mean?" Had Orlando really loved Kate that much? Had the break up affected him so badly? Sean had always thought that it was a relationship more of convenience than anything else - that was certainly what Viggo had said on the odd occasion that they'd spoken of it. "It's not Kate so much…you know how it was between them, more of a publicity ploy than anything. It wasn't romantic or sexual…" Sean's heart clenched a little at the thought of Orlando being with someone in that way…someone who wasn't him. But he should be used to the feeling by now, it's not like Orlando had ever been his in the first place. "…but he did like her," Viggo continued. "He knew it was time. Time to end it - it wasn't fair on Kate and it wasn't fair on him." Sean swallowed carefully. He could almost see Orlando's sad eyes as he explained it to Viggo. Perhaps Viggo had hugged him, told him he'd done the right thing - made him feel better. He hoped so. He knew that Viggo cared for Orlando, loved him as a true friend should. Yeah, Viggo was the kind of friend that Orlando needed - someone he could count on, someone he could trust. Not like Sean, who ran when it got too tough, when he thought he couldn't hide his feelings any more. Sean closed his eyes in pain against the memory of those dark eyes looking at him, willing him to explain why he was turning away and shutting him out of his life. If only he'd been stronger. If he could've explained it to Orlando - how he felt, what he wished for. But he'd known that it was foolish. Orlando had just wanted a friend and Sean would've tainted that with his need and longing for more. He wasn't strong enough to just be Orlando's friend - the temptation was too great. So it was better to walk away - to run away - and shut Orlando out. It hadn't been easier but it had been better, for Orlando - and that's all that mattered in the end. "He'll be okay, Vig," Sean murmured hoarsely. "His career's doing well and he can call the shots more now. He'll find someone - someone 'suitable'." The last word almost stung his throat as he forced it out. There was a groan from across the Atlantic. "For god's sake, Sean! Have I got to come over there and finally beat some sense into you?" Viggo was pissed. Yeah, well, he couldn't blame him really. But what did he want - for him to go to Orlando and pour out his heart? Tell him how much he loved him and ached for him? Tell him that it had almost been more than he could physically stand to walk away from Orlando's friendship back in New Zealand? That it had killed him to work every day in Malta and Mexico with Orlando looking at him like a puppy that had been abandoned and didn't know why? Sean was just a bloke and he couldn't say these things - he didn't know how. He might be good enough with words on the page but he couldn't write his own script, make his life turn out the way that he wanted. Viggo knew all of this - Sean had explained his reasons to him enough times. Why was he starting it up again? "He'll be okay," Sean sighed. "He's better off without me, you know that." "Oh, I do, do I?" Viggo snorted. He was sounding *really* pissed now. "Yeah, I know how you can't be his friend 'cus you want to be more, to be *everything* to him. And that he'd never want you like that and that you're no good for him, 'cus you're too old and you'd tie him down and you couldn't make your marriages work so you'd probably end up hurting him. Yeah, I've heard all of that and you know what, Sean? It's bullshit!" Sean was shocked. He'd never heard Viggo like this - he was normally so calm and accepting. "I wouldn't be any good for him and I don't want to hurt him. I never want to hurt him…." "Well, it's too late for that, Sean," Viggo said quietly, his anger seeming to cool as quickly as it had risen. "You have hurt him. You hurt him the day you left New Zealand and every day since. He doesn't understand, he thinks it's *his* fault. He wants to know what he did wrong - why you stopped wanting to see him, why you stopped being his friend." The words cut through Sean. He didn't want to hear them, hear that he'd been the cause of that pain. He'd done it so that he wouldn't hurt Orlando! He'd done it to protect him. "You didn't see him last night, Sean. You didn't have to hold him when he finally let it all out and sobbed." There was just the sound of their breathing on the phone line, both ragged and strained. "You didn't have to watch his heart break 'cus the man that he loved had walked out of his life…." What? Love? But no, Orlando didn't love *him*. That wasn't right - Viggo had got it wrong. Orlando couldn't love him. "V-Vig?" "He loves you, Sean. He really does. I've been trying to tell you for the last five years…." Orlando loved him? *Loved* him? All those years of pushing it away, hiding his feelings for Orlando, only daring to dream…. It didn't seem possible - Orlando loved him? Just as he loved Orlando, his shining beautiful boy. His shining, beautiful boy who he'd hurt so much…. "I thought I was protecting him, Vig," Sean whispered, his voice broken and cracked. "He didn't need some old bloke cramping his style and buggering up his chance at the big time. I did it for him, don't you see? I did it for him!" Viggo hummed quietly, an odd, endearing little habit that Sean had always found comforting. "I know you did. But now you have to do it for both of you…you have to tell him. Tell him how you really feel, Sean." Elation and abject terror clawed at Sean in equal measure. Finally the chance to tell his love his true feelings, watch those warm, sinful eyes as he spoke the words he'd kept imprisoned for years. But how could he? How could he explain what he'd done - the pain that he'd caused? How could Orlando ever forgive him? "Because he loves you." Viggo's quiet proclamation brought Sean's head up with a start. Had he said all that aloud? Or maybe Viggo just knew him that well. "I don't know, Vig. I don't know if I can do it." "Sean, I swear to god that I'm going to kick you in the ass if you don't get your head out of it! Stop being such a pussy and tell him!" Sean chuckled faintly, though it was slightly strangled. "You sound like Eric. He kept on at me all the time during 'Troy' and then again at Cannes." He had - though Eric's Aussie inventiveness had gone beyond even Viggo's creative threats. He was a good friend and Sean knew that he'd been upset when Sean had explained the coolness between himself and Orlando. They'd sat in that quiet little fish restaurant in St. Julian's and Eric had said that he wanted to help, his big heart clearly unhappy at seeing two of his friends like that. Because it hadn't been hard to see the hurt behind Orlando's eyes every time he'd looked at Sean. Sean had felt every glance like a physical cut to his soul. But to think that now he might have the chance to explain it, to put it all right. It was too much, too overwhelming. He'd kept his feelings for Orlando so tightly wrapped that he wasn't sure if he could do it. "Eric's right. Just tell him how you feel," Viggo repeated softly. "Um, maybe…next time he's around or whatever…." Sean knew that he sounded weak. Well, he was - he was more than that - he was bloody terrified! "He's in London right now." "What?! No - you said he was in LA with you last night!" Orlando was in London? Now? Just a few miles away perhaps? "He was but he caught an early flight. I reckon he should be home anytime now. Perfect for you to talk to him." No, it was too soon. He had to think this through - plan what he was going to say. Back out of it and run away…. "He'll be tired, needing some time to himself. I'll call him later in the week or next month," Sean said, hating the words and his insincerity as he said them. More lies. "No, Sean," Viggo said calmly. "Call him now. Tell him. Tell him that you love him, Sean. It really is that simple." Simple? Viggo thought that was simple? To just tear down the walls that he'd so carefully constructed around his battered heart and then lay it bare. For what? Sean felt a warm glow of hope begin to glimmer deep in his chest. For Orlando, that's what. He let the glow smoulder and take light, catching like flame to tinder in the desert of his emotions. He could do this, he really could. For Orlando. "Okay, Vig," Sean whispered tiredly but feeling happier than he could remember in years. "I'll tell him." Or die trying anyway…. "Call me, okay?" Sean smiled down the phone line, grateful beyond measure for Viggo's friendship. "Yeah, talk to you soon, you wanker," he choked out the familiar banter. "You better, you cunt," Viggo's rough laughter faded as he ended the call. Sean looked at the telephone in his hand and took a deep breath. It was now or never. He could do this - better to do it now than to change his mind and run away again. Don't think about it, don't agonise over it - just bloody do it! He dialled the number that was imprinted on his memory, though he'd never actually called it before. His breathing quickened as he heard it ringing. His chest felt tight and his hands began to shake. He almost put the phone down when a familiar voice spoke. "Hello?" The sound was like warm honey. Oh god, how he'd missed him. Orlando - his shining, beautiful boy. Sean wanted to speak, swallowing convulsively and trying to force the words out. "Orli?" A long, soft sigh caressed him. "*Sean*." He smiled and pressed closer to the phone. Yeah, he could do this. For Orlando…for them both.
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Friendly
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